breathe in, breathe out

while the title of this blog might represent something you would hear a man saying to a woman in labor, rest assured i am not pregnant or in labor. but i do think the sentiment of "breathe in, breathe out" is one that i need to carry with me over the next few days.

i will just go ahead and say that i am sure 3 or 5 years down the road that i will all but worship at the feet of dave ramsey for his help in getting our finances in order, but right now the last thing i have is financial peace, which is the title of the class we are presently taking. i am sure many of you are sick of hearing about this class and quite frankly i am sick of it as well. i like to think that the oblivion we had for the first two years of marriage was much better than writing out our budget and seeing for ourselves that there is no way in God's green earth that we are going to be able to make ends meet when we are spending 106% of our income. anyone else out there feel me on this?

and while money issues are largely repsonsible for the mediocre meltdown i had awhile ago with chris, this wreck and chris' car and insurance companies and doctors and physical therapy and settlements and everything else under the sun definately played a hand in my frustration. my boss said it best when she told us that we just had a black cloud hovering over us. i figure that or i would like to think that perhaps God has something major in store for us and that maybe our situation is a bit like job's when God said to satan, "have you considered my servant, job?" i must say that job was a much bigger man of faith than i am right now though.

some exciting news, after all that drama, i have been in communication with a professor at JBC who is looking to start some type of policy change or restoration group or something for those people who find that they not only struggle, but fail miserably, in the area of sexual purity. i highly, HIGHLY encourage all of you to pick up bill hybels book, holy discontent and read it as fast as you can. i can truly say that these couples, particularly the ones at JBC, have a burning place in my heart and i want to do everything in my power to walk with them out of this sin and dishonor to God. pray that things will go smoothly in setting this up and that the administrators and staff will see that this is a hugely needed group.

so now that i have vented and continuously reminded myself to breathe it's time i go lie in the bed with my husband and maybe the dogs and remember to praise God in all things, even the sucky times, and that i breathe in, breathe out.

be blessed.
cass

please pray

no time to mince words. yesterday i was involved in a car accident where a man ran a red light at 50 mph into the side of my car. while i am extremely sore i am thankful that nothing more serious happened. after being in the er all night long we came home and chris tucked me in and headed to the drugstore to get my pain medicine filled and his car started flashing "oil line, shut off car" and then his car stopped in the middle of the road. he coasted into the kroger parking lot and from there i called our 74 year old neighbor to pick him up. oh yeah, it was midnight and i had already taken a valium and hydrocodone.

to top things off things at y12 have been tough for chris due to his drawer not balancing one day and there is all kinds of drama mama there.

we are doing financial peace university and trying desperately to honor God with our finances and trying to get our "$1000 emergency fund" situated and we really believe that satan is trying to discourage us and break us down from doing the right thing. we truly covet prayers right now. we have no vehicle to get around, no family within 4 hours driving time, and our church is an hour away. to say the least we are discouraged and trying to hold our heads high. please pray.

and if you know anyone giving cars away for free... please let us know.

be blessed.

letting go

as a child i can remember playing with my favorite cabbage patch doll, missy, and my younger sister, krystine, coming over wanting to play with her. now, there is a 5 year age difference between my sister and myself and quite frankly, i was a brat and i saw no reason to share my most favorite and prized doll, missy, with my grungy hands, obnoxiously irritating younger sister. so i told her no and what did she do but reach up and grab missy by the hair. now for any of you who know me, you know that i don't take well to that type of attitude (perhaps this experience is why) so i started yelling, "krystine dianne let go. Let Go! LET GO OF MISSY!!!" at which point my mother came in and got onto me for a) not sharing b) yelling at my sister c) who knows.

as i recount that story it reminds me of my relationship with God. i see something i want, oblivious to whether or not it is something He wants me to have and then i latch on like a blood-sucking leech. many times i hear the quiet whisper of His voice telling me to let go, but i grab on tighter. before long this dance that i do with God becomes me yanking and pulling like a selfish brat to something that i think i want but haven't considered God's plan. Occassionally God will raise His voice to me and yell at me to LET GO, but for the most part He paitiently waits for me to chill out and lose energy so He can look me in the eyes and tell me that His plan and way is so much better than my plans and dreams.

i have been reading the shack right now and i am astounded by what i am learning from this book. it is a fiction book but it has made some very real and valid arguments about God's plans versus what we want for ourselves. it has also really touched my heart in a way that few books have. one of the biggest things i am realizing is that while i look at situations in my life as evil or bad, God looks at these things as opportunities to redeem. i hesistate to go into much more detail because i would love for all of you to read this book and share your thoughts and insight.

so i guess it's time for me to let go of things i keep trying to make happen. it's time for me to say to my precious Lord and Saviour that i am ready to let go of the plans i have for me and of my dreams. i'm losing control of my destiny and i'm letting go.

be blessed.

blind faith

blind faith. when i think of that phrase it reminds me of one of the indiana jones movies where indy has to have faith that when he steps off of the edge of a cliff that he will not fall. it is such a picture to me of how as a christian i should trust God. unfortunately my rational mind tells me that there is nothing there to catch me when i take that step so i tend to stand on the edge of the cliff and debate whether or not i am ready to trust.

i am so at that very place right now. how do i trust what i cannot see? and i do not mean how can i trust God, but moreover how do i trust those marvelous plans He tells me in Jeremiah that He has for me? how do i trust that His plan is always the right one when the plan i want, or at least think that i want, is jumping up and down, screaming and shouting out, "choose me!"? when do i finally concede to believe that His plan is always right even when i am afraid that i will plummet to my death? i guess it's that blind faith.

today my ob/gyn called and as we talked she informed me that she felt that we needed to see a fertility doctor. while this has always been a possibility that we knew we would pursue it was still disheartening and frustrating. i cannot fathom how it is possible to get pregnant immediately after quitting birth control only to lose the baby, and then try for almost another year and have nothing. nada. not one + on the pregnancy stick. the real kicker is i have been taking meds to help that along. i want so badly right now to grasp onto the blind faith and believe that this desire that is in my heart to have children will one day be fulfilled, but i am finding myself questioning it daily.

growing up you always hear the phrase, "life isn't fair" and i totally agreed with that when i wanted to go out with my friends and was denied that privilege. i completely agreed when 3 of my friends died within 6 months of each other. i knew life wasn't fair when i watched a 3 month old baby die due to lack of care at a hospital in johannesburg. and nothing reminds me more of how unfair life can be than when i see a 13 or 14 year old girl who is pregnant and either is miserable or thinking of their unborn child as the newest accessory.

so, blind faith. fertility doctors. blind faith. pregnancy. blind faith. jump? stand still. contemplate. jump? blind faith? jump? jumping... into the arms of my Father. i don't know what is ahead for us. i don't know how far we will go with this fertility business. all i know is that as i hear my Father's voice calling for me to jump blindly into His arms that i am going to close my eyes, spread my arms and step blindly off the cliff knowing that if He catches me or allows me fall that it's His plan. and His plan is always best.

be blessed.