Thursday, July 10, 2008

blind faith

blind faith. when i think of that phrase it reminds me of one of the indiana jones movies where indy has to have faith that when he steps off of the edge of a cliff that he will not fall. it is such a picture to me of how as a christian i should trust God. unfortunately my rational mind tells me that there is nothing there to catch me when i take that step so i tend to stand on the edge of the cliff and debate whether or not i am ready to trust.

i am so at that very place right now. how do i trust what i cannot see? and i do not mean how can i trust God, but moreover how do i trust those marvelous plans He tells me in Jeremiah that He has for me? how do i trust that His plan is always the right one when the plan i want, or at least think that i want, is jumping up and down, screaming and shouting out, "choose me!"? when do i finally concede to believe that His plan is always right even when i am afraid that i will plummet to my death? i guess it's that blind faith.

today my ob/gyn called and as we talked she informed me that she felt that we needed to see a fertility doctor. while this has always been a possibility that we knew we would pursue it was still disheartening and frustrating. i cannot fathom how it is possible to get pregnant immediately after quitting birth control only to lose the baby, and then try for almost another year and have nothing. nada. not one + on the pregnancy stick. the real kicker is i have been taking meds to help that along. i want so badly right now to grasp onto the blind faith and believe that this desire that is in my heart to have children will one day be fulfilled, but i am finding myself questioning it daily.

growing up you always hear the phrase, "life isn't fair" and i totally agreed with that when i wanted to go out with my friends and was denied that privilege. i completely agreed when 3 of my friends died within 6 months of each other. i knew life wasn't fair when i watched a 3 month old baby die due to lack of care at a hospital in johannesburg. and nothing reminds me more of how unfair life can be than when i see a 13 or 14 year old girl who is pregnant and either is miserable or thinking of their unborn child as the newest accessory.

so, blind faith. fertility doctors. blind faith. pregnancy. blind faith. jump? stand still. contemplate. jump? blind faith? jump? jumping... into the arms of my Father. i don't know what is ahead for us. i don't know how far we will go with this fertility business. all i know is that as i hear my Father's voice calling for me to jump blindly into His arms that i am going to close my eyes, spread my arms and step blindly off the cliff knowing that if He catches me or allows me fall that it's His plan. and His plan is always best.

be blessed.


lesli said...

Know that God goes before you on this journey. Me & Jess will be praying for you both and are here for you if you need us anytime. God's plans are eternal, while we long for what is right in front of us. It is hard to focus on what we can't really even see. He is taking care of you. This is I know. Love ya.

WhitLee said...

No great words of encouragement...just love and prayers...