2010 year end review

ok so i know it's mid-december, but to be honest i can't see how 2 weeks will change anything and i am not sure i will do it later if i don't do it now, so just give me this one. :)

this has been a year. (i would like you to reread that sentence and stress the words "a year"). it's been every single emotion, sometimes with the polar opposite emotions running rampant at the same time. but i am going to do my best to break it all down, mainly for myself to look back at years from this moment because i want to remember it all.

january:
chris and i started the year off by submitting our formal application right at the close of 2009, so entering january we were excited about moving forward in our adoption process. in fact, i was so excited that i deemed 2010 "the year of baby lawson". towards the end of the month we started working on our taxes and realized we owed 1200 bucks. super fantastic news to the couple who is trying to scrape together the money to adopt. we were very irritated, but God provided for us and we didn't have to dip into our savings for the adoption.

february:
this was a busy month for our adoption prerequisites. we did full day of required training and had several parts of our homestudy done. we purchased a crib and dresser/changing table combo that was in great shape and matched our current furniture on craigslist, and found our bedding on clearance at a store in north carolina. once again, i continue to press on believing strongly that we will be parents in the very near future. i also started back at my old branch working with the girls at the west knoxville branch and could not have been happier to have gotten out of the branch i was in and back to familiar territory.

march:
oh blessed march. a season marked by new beginnings, thus, new challenges. march was an expensive month. i had a minor wreck, got 2 traffic tickets, chris had dental work done, oh and lest i forget, my car had to have almost $2000 of repairs done. we really struggled with the car and how to repair it- finance, sell drugs, set it on fire, etc. and when we were pouring our hearts out to our good friends jesse and leslie, God showed us exactly where He wanted us to take the money from- our adoption savings. march was a pivotal month in our faith journey part of the adoption process. at this point we had not run into any real obstacles with the adoption and had already begun saving a good amount of money, and this really stretched us. but we submitted to God's plan and trusted that as we took this flying leap off a cliff that He was going to catch us and provide in ways we couldn't understand. this is also the month when we began our cookbook fundraising campaign. i also got to spend several days with my sister who flew out here to visit me during her spring break.

april:
i turned 27 and it was emotional, for reasons that i don't really understand. the only thing i could really put my finger on was i always expected that by the time i was 27 i would have at least1 child, if not 2 or 3 and here i was with none. but i believe it was about this time that i had to make a choice to rejoice for the time i had with my husband, uninterrupted by the demands and needs of a child. in april we had wrapped up our homestudy's with our caseworker, i had spent hours upon hours creating our 3 identical profile books for the birthmom, and we were able to turn in the final application fee.

may:
on ma 14th we got our approval letter from our agency letting us know that our profiles had gone live and we were an official waiting family. that phrase is so funny to me because we had been a waiting family for years prior to that letter, but i guess the :official: part is what makes this different! :) i believe it was may when my sister in love, maggie, came down for the weekend and i got to help her purchase things for her upcoming wedding, and just spend some great time together.

june:
the 10th of this month marked 4 years of marriage for chris and me. we were very reminiscent of the past 4 years and really looked at where God brought us in not only 4 years, but really just the past 6 months in the adoption process. we really began to see how His plan is so much better than ours and we were able to rejoice for what adventures and journeys we will face in the coming years. we were presented with a potential situation out of memphis with a baby boy, but the birthmother chose to find adoptive parents outside of the bethan christian services network. i saw an amazing family go through the heartache of an adoption disruption, and come out on the other side looking more like Christ than i could ever hope to in a similar situation.we were also immensely blessed by 2 anonymous families at our church with a large financial gift to go towards our adoption, and then several other wonderful families in our Bible Fellowship class donated as well. i wish this was all for june, but unfortunately, i had a little slip up at work on some water and injured myself pretty seriously and even knocked myself out cold.

july:
chris turns 27 and we had a big soiree at the house with loads of kabobs and homemade ice cream, and big chunks of a tree in our backyard falling on our power line. thankfully our friend, Mike (aka Gary Bunyon, Paul Bunyon's brother) came to our rescue and helped move it off the power line before it snapped. july is when doubt and fear began creeping in that we were not going to have a baby by december 31st, but i continued to place my trust and hope in the Lord. for the 4th of july we were able to hang out with some new friends we had made at our monthly adoption meetings and it was a grand ole time meeting more of their support system.

august:
we found out that we had been selected as the top family for a baby but at the hospital the birthmom decided to parent. we had never been informed of the situation because the staff at bethany was afraid she was going to waver, and through their infinite discernment, they saved us some heartache. it was still very emotional to think that we could have had a child, but the reminder that we have a special birthmom and child for us helped us get past it all. we were also so thankful to know that we are chooseable! I believe it was the end of this month when we got a grant from phillip and tiffany rivers for the remaining balance of our adoption fee. More than what we spent on my car in february. :)

october-present
i haven't written since october and even now it's hard to break down everything that happened month by month so i am just going to write a generalization of events. at the beginning of october i had a miscarriage, the night before i was scheduled to go out of town to shoot bridal portraits of my sister in love, maggie. the miscarriage was my first indication that i was pregnant and the shock of what was happening and what had been growing in my womb rocked me to my utmost being. my last post was probably the most raw and open post i have ever shared with such a large audience. through the next several weeks, in fact, almost the beginning of december, i had some medical issues with this miscarriage that were scary, frightening and at times overwhelming, because this one was so different from when i miscarried kya joy. i was in such a different place this time on so many levels. i wasn't expecting a pregnancy becaus e i was so focused on adoption and seemingly so close to expanding our family via adoption. a great friend of mine made the comment to me that perhaps God allowed me to get pregnant in order to remind me that adoption is His plan for us right now and that if He wanted us to have a biological child, He can do it. and how true i believe that statement to be. i have held on with both hands and my teeth for dear life to that statement. i absolutely have to, because if i allow myself to ponder the what if's of this loss, i will literally go insane and i will miss out on the blessings of this journey. do i mourn for what is lost? absolutely. but i have never been more confident that adoption is God's plan for our lives right at this moment.

as i go into 2011 i am going expectant. expectant to hear and feel God's voice and presence guiding chris and me through life and through this painful, excruciatingly difficult journey we are on in our efforts to expand our family. trying to plan it all the way i wanted it to be has obviously not worked out the way i intended it. and how bold of me to act as though i have some say or control in how it will work out for who knows where and how it will end up but God?
so 2011... the year of baby lawson? hopefully. but even if it isn't, it will still be the year of expectancy. because i am expecting God to continue to blow our minds and rock our world with His faithfulness and goodness in our life.

crazy

some crazy good and crazy nervewracking things have been going on here lately. first off i ask you to pray for c&j and their family's right now. they are in the process of adopting their second child, took braxton home, and the birthmom is now having second thoughts. she is expected to make her decision tomorrow (monday) about whether to parent or place. my heart is torn for c&j and for m, the birthmom, because as a waiting mom that is my biggest fear- the birthmom will change her mind; but having such a heart for birthparents i also cannot imagine the difficulty in placing a child that i carried for 9 months into the care of people you barely know. so please pray for m, c&j, and all those involved that God will help all of them to offer grace, understanding and love to the other and that He will make peace in the raging storm.

jess and les had cade about 4 weeks ago, some other friends (who I am not sure are ready to announce via mobile media) found out they are pregnant, and shaun and jen have gotten their first placement as foster parents! there are babies galore all around us, and all we can hope is that our turn is coming soon!

we get asked a lot, "any news?", and our answer is always, "no, not yet" (in a super sweet, kind voice) when what a lot of the time what i want to do is wear this shirt! i am joking but it can be overwhelming to try to live your life everyday without checking the phone 45 times an hour to see if the adoption agency has called you yet and then it only magnifies it when so many other people are so excited for you. so if you ask me and i seem a bit cranky please forgive me!

God has really been doing some work in my life lately and i can't wait to share it with all of you after i have a better understanding of what He is trying to teach me. what i can share with you all right now is that His faithfulness and encouragement comes in strange, wonderful and unexpected ways. we were blessed beyond belief this past week with 2 outstanding financial gifts to aid in the cost of our placement fee. we are only $3530 away from our placement fee! we are trusting in the Lord that He will provide that remaining amount when we need it so we don't have to take out any debt. His goodness and faithfulness has been such a sweet salve to my anxious heart.

hopeful storytelling

a few years ago i attended the national storytelling festival in jonesborough, tennessee, where i had the privilege to listen to some of the most honest, refreshing and talented storytellers. i can remember sitting under a tent at dusk, rain pounding the top of the tent, people crammed into incredibly uncomfortable seats just to hear some of the best spinners weave their tales. it was a truly memorable experience and as i pondered that weekend i started contemplating the beauty of a story.

everyone has a story which is their life. we can all sit around and share funny stories of our childhood, stories of pain and suffering, humiliation stories, and stories of events that shaped our lives and made us who we are. we all share that common thread. what everyone does not share is the belief that there is an ultimate storyteller, who can weave the most wonderfully crafted tale ever known to man, when man steps aside and agrees to put down the writing pen.

i connected to a blog this week through a friend's blog and was profoundly and utterly touched and blessed by something that was posted. it was said in a prayer format "Your story is much better than mine. Your story is far more beautiful. Your story gives you all the glory. Your story is one of Hope. Your "no" is filled with hope and your "yes" is full of hope. Thank you for being a God of Hope through it all."

hope: to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence

above is one of the definitions used by webster to describe what hope truly is, and i am so thankful today to stand here and say that i am beyond hopeful for many things. one of those is to be a mother to children who are on this earth. another is to continue to be fashioned into the woman God created me to be. beyond stereotypes, beyond what others perceive, beyond what my mind can fathom, God has a plan to shape and mold me into who he wants me to be. sometimes it's painful and we are told to wait. sometimes we think that our storytelling capabilities are much better than God's, but as the blogger above writes, "Your story is better than mine."

i love a good story, and i am humbled that a great story has been written about me. selfish, ungrateful, unworthy, me has the most amazing storyteller writing my story. and my story is one of hope. hope that all of my dreams, realized and unrealized will come to fruition in His timing. hope that whatever life throws at me, and wherever my story may go that i needn't worry because the Master Storyteller knows what my ending will be. and i can promise you, promise you that my story will not end in heartache, but in joy, if for no other reason that i am a precious child of the living God.

be blessed.
cass

blind faith

blind faith. when i think of that phrase it reminds me of one of the indiana jones movies where indy has to have faith that when he steps off of the edge of a cliff that he will not fall. it is such a picture to me of how as a christian i should trust God. unfortunately my rational mind tells me that there is nothing there to catch me when i take that step so i tend to stand on the edge of the cliff and debate whether or not i am ready to trust.

i am so at that very place right now. how do i trust what i cannot see? and i do not mean how can i trust God, but moreover how do i trust those marvelous plans He tells me in Jeremiah that He has for me? how do i trust that His plan is always the right one when the plan i want, or at least think that i want, is jumping up and down, screaming and shouting out, "choose me!"? when do i finally concede to believe that His plan is always right even when i am afraid that i will plummet to my death? i guess it's that blind faith.

today my ob/gyn called and as we talked she informed me that she felt that we needed to see a fertility doctor. while this has always been a possibility that we knew we would pursue it was still disheartening and frustrating. i cannot fathom how it is possible to get pregnant immediately after quitting birth control only to lose the baby, and then try for almost another year and have nothing. nada. not one + on the pregnancy stick. the real kicker is i have been taking meds to help that along. i want so badly right now to grasp onto the blind faith and believe that this desire that is in my heart to have children will one day be fulfilled, but i am finding myself questioning it daily.

growing up you always hear the phrase, "life isn't fair" and i totally agreed with that when i wanted to go out with my friends and was denied that privilege. i completely agreed when 3 of my friends died within 6 months of each other. i knew life wasn't fair when i watched a 3 month old baby die due to lack of care at a hospital in johannesburg. and nothing reminds me more of how unfair life can be than when i see a 13 or 14 year old girl who is pregnant and either is miserable or thinking of their unborn child as the newest accessory.

so, blind faith. fertility doctors. blind faith. pregnancy. blind faith. jump? stand still. contemplate. jump? blind faith? jump? jumping... into the arms of my Father. i don't know what is ahead for us. i don't know how far we will go with this fertility business. all i know is that as i hear my Father's voice calling for me to jump blindly into His arms that i am going to close my eyes, spread my arms and step blindly off the cliff knowing that if He catches me or allows me fall that it's His plan. and His plan is always best.

be blessed.