parenting curriculum

i found this on another friend's blog and had to share...

Really. We have childbirth preparation classes. I found mine so useful that I eventually qualified to become a prenatal instructor, and did that happily for about ten years. Loved it! But are there Parenting Preparation classes out there? If not, there should be! A friend sent me this great curriculum outline this morning, and I thought I’d share it with you.

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.2. Arrange to have 75% of your salary paid directly to their head office.3. Go home.4. Pick up the paper.5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.4. Set the alarm for 3AM.5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work. (Work hard and be productive!)*
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 4 – 7 months. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 3
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed and then rub them on the clean walls.4. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.5. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 4
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 5
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle Cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 6
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can accomplish this easily, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 7
1. Hollow out a melon.2. Make a small hole in the side.3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon bypretending to be an airplane.5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.6. Tip half the remainder into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.

Lesson 8
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.**

Lesson 9
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 10
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

crazy

some crazy good and crazy nervewracking things have been going on here lately. first off i ask you to pray for c&j and their family's right now. they are in the process of adopting their second child, took braxton home, and the birthmom is now having second thoughts. she is expected to make her decision tomorrow (monday) about whether to parent or place. my heart is torn for c&j and for m, the birthmom, because as a waiting mom that is my biggest fear- the birthmom will change her mind; but having such a heart for birthparents i also cannot imagine the difficulty in placing a child that i carried for 9 months into the care of people you barely know. so please pray for m, c&j, and all those involved that God will help all of them to offer grace, understanding and love to the other and that He will make peace in the raging storm.

jess and les had cade about 4 weeks ago, some other friends (who I am not sure are ready to announce via mobile media) found out they are pregnant, and shaun and jen have gotten their first placement as foster parents! there are babies galore all around us, and all we can hope is that our turn is coming soon!

we get asked a lot, "any news?", and our answer is always, "no, not yet" (in a super sweet, kind voice) when what a lot of the time what i want to do is wear this shirt! i am joking but it can be overwhelming to try to live your life everyday without checking the phone 45 times an hour to see if the adoption agency has called you yet and then it only magnifies it when so many other people are so excited for you. so if you ask me and i seem a bit cranky please forgive me!

God has really been doing some work in my life lately and i can't wait to share it with all of you after i have a better understanding of what He is trying to teach me. what i can share with you all right now is that His faithfulness and encouragement comes in strange, wonderful and unexpected ways. we were blessed beyond belief this past week with 2 outstanding financial gifts to aid in the cost of our placement fee. we are only $3530 away from our placement fee! we are trusting in the Lord that He will provide that remaining amount when we need it so we don't have to take out any debt. His goodness and faithfulness has been such a sweet salve to my anxious heart.