contentment

i have restarted this post several times because while i have so many thoughts i am having a hard time finding the words. i have gone through the gamut of emotions today: joy, relief, anger, happiness, delirium, frustration, longing, hopefulness, emptiness. i suppose the latter is what i feel right now; i have tears on the brim, they just don't seem to have the energy to fall.

last night the director at bethany asked me what i wanted to know about our profile being shown and comments, etc that have been shared. i, of course, said i wanted to know; stupid, silly girl that i am. so terri proceeds to tell me that at some point in the last two months we were chosen. hands down. some sweet birth mom looked at our profile and picked us. in bethany christian services infinite wisdom they decided to not bring us into the situation at that point because they were concerned she was wavering. at the hospital the birth father showed up and they together decided to parent.

when terri first told me we had been chosen my heart went from my chest, to my stomach, to my throat in a matter of about 2 seconds. when she told me they decided to parent my stomach resurfaced, and was quite confused about the series of events that left it very upset. now please do not mistake my current frame of mind as one who is not happy because i am truly thrilled to know the following things: a) our profile is being shown, b) bethany cares about us and allows God to speak clearly to them about when to bring us into the situation, and c) we are pick-able.

insecurities are a constant companion in my life and while i am able to put on a happy face or just shove them aside most of the time, this adoption journey, especially in the last few weeks, has really pushed my insecurities to the forefront and they will not be silenced. i know satan is using those to his advantage and his quest to keep me discouraged works better some days than others.

i also know that there is a specific child and a birth mom who God wants to bring into our lives but it doesn't mean that my heart isn't a little broken knowing we were really so close and now are back at square one: waiting. which i do not do patiently or joyfully most days. i desperately want to find that contentment that i had at the beginning of our real waiting phase and i am trying to pray my way through this, but tonight i feel broken and defeated. i cannot do it on my own tonight and so i ask my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who read this blog to please ask God to grant me contentment in the days to come. after all that is what the body of Christ is for, is it not?

as you pray for me i ask you to please also lift up the other waiting families, particularly our friends who are walking this road: brian and zerita brockman, and lauren and andrew jurbergs. the jurbergs have been waiting about a month longer than us, and the brockmans have been waiting just over a month. the length of time is irrelevant to many of you, but let me assure you, every day counts when you are waiting for the dream of your life.

be blessed.
cass