held

i joined a forum online with other women who have been faced with all facets of infertility. some have been trying for 5 or more years, some have been told they will never reproduce, some have had multiple children die. it is so humbling to me as i read these topics and see the hurt these women and their husbands go through.

i try to imagine how i will react to another miscarriage or stillbirth or finding out that chris or i have some physical problem that will not allow us to reproduce naturally (as in without the assistance of in vitro fertilization or adoption). i would like to think of myself as a christian who will say, "thank you for this opportunity to share my hurt and my pain with a non believer that will inevitably cross my path", but i am not dillusional to what my human nature says. that ugly selfish beast within me rears its ugly head and starts screaming "why are there babies aborted everyday? why are there teenagers having babies? why do abusive parents have children? why are babies abandoned and left to die everyday? why me?"

why me? why not me? i guess god in his infinite wisdom saw the hurt of a family dealing with infertility and said, "they don't know me, but cassie does. i know she won't understand why i make her go through this but hopefully she will use this pain to her advantage.

i don't think anything can better sum up this post than the chorus to the song, "held".

this is what it means to be held

how it feels

when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive

this is what it is to be loved

and to know

that the promise was when everything fell

we'd be held

be blessed.

cass