who knows

we are leaving for the beach in a matter of hours. i am very excited, particularly to see my dog's reaction to the sand and ocean. she is going to freak out and it is going to be hilarious.
when i was growing up we never went to the beach for vacations. we went to new england via plane and train, san antonio, dallas, san marcos, paris (all in texas), oklahoma city and i am sure some other places. but none of those are beach destinations. the first time i went on a for real vacation to the beach was on my honeymoon. granted i had been to the beach before on numerous occassions, just never for the distinct purpose of vacationing.
that was a completely random rant and now i do not know what i was originally going to post...
back on track now. i don't know who out there has ever heard of an artist by the name of kari jobe, but you should check her out on youtube and listen to her sing. she is so annointed and she has such a passion for leading worship. there is an interview where someone asks her what it means to lead worship and, well heck i am just going to post the link because i think every worship leader needs to hear this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=9gtKfEDuKH8 after you watch that you need to listen to revelation song. amazing
sorry to those few of you who read this. i am sure this is the most random and thoughtless post you have read in quite some time. be blessed.

holidays shmolidays

my christmas tree is up and decorated... and i still have fall decor in my dining room and on my front porch. feelin a little red. the rest of the christmas decorations are coming up in the next few days before we head to myrtle beach for thanksgiving with the lawson clan.

the beach. at thanksgiving. this will be a totally new experience for me. the girl who grew up in the plains of texas and had never vacationed "at the beach" until last year. it's not the first year to spend thanksgiving away from my family and in a matter of speaking i suppose i am not spending the holiday away from my family... just the ramsey side.

this will be the first year i am away from my parents and sister for christmas. chris graciously chose to do his first non-lawson christmas last year and now it's my turn. but not only will we not be with ramsey family, we won't be with lawson family either. it's our first christmas completely and totally by ourselves.

we thought we would try to come up with a tradition that is just ours and maybe that will make the day brighter. not to be a pessimist but part of the whole joy of christmas is spending it with my family. the family that i grew up with. the one that i would wake up at 530am on christmas morning to open presents. the one that reads the christmas story before any presents are open so we don't forget the true meaning of christmas. the one where my dad shares words of affirmation to each of us so we know how much we mean to him. the one where my mom makes a brunch and then we have a huge dinner around 4. that family. the one in texas. the one that is no longer my immediate family.

"and then man and woman shall become one flesh [and become one family]". i still will be with my family this christmas. a new family. one that is smaller. the family of chris and myself. the family that has lost a child. but it's our family. our small family of two (plus mollie, the dog). the lawson family.

i guess christmas will be strangely andwonderfully different this year.

peace like a river?

strange name for me to pick considering i don't always have a peace with circumstances in my life. is it possible to always have peace no matter the situation. i know the bible tells us that we should not worry and to not let our heart be troubled, but what is the solution when you do worry and your heart is troubled? is it possible to just fall at the feet of jesus and have him heal your heart? i think it is possible.

in the last few months i have learned a lot about heartache. i started a new job that i adored and unexpectedly was asked to step down. i was mad and angry for a few hours then realized that no amount of tears or anger was going to get my job back. so i have been taking some "paid time off" to reconsider my priorities, my life and my faith.

my faith was truly shaken in august when chris and i lost the child that i was carrying. there is no way to explain the pain or hurt you feel when you are so excited for this new life that you and the person you love have created and then that hope and joy is shattered. once your body starts attacking there is nothing you can do but watch and wait for the war to be over and lost. i was so mad at god, and i hated what he had done to me. i felt like pregnant women were stalking me and it seemed everytime i got in contact with someone i hadn't spoken to in awhile they always had news of some other person that we knew that was pregnant or had just had a baby. disheartening. disillusioned. distraught. i turned from god.

we pulled out of church because seeing baby dedications and going to our bible fellowship class where babies were popping out every week was too painful. then our new music minister called and asked if i would sing in church. the song "amazed" by the desperation band was the solo. my heart had started to heal and i thought it was time for me to rejoin my fellow believers so i consented. that sunday i began to sing the words "you dance over me while i am unaware. you sing all around but i never hear the sound. lord i'm amazed by you..." the words were so vivid to me that i could see jesus standing over me and rejoicing in my sorrow even when i was pushing him away and i became overcome with emotion. it was one of the most beautiful times of worship i had encountered.

even though i doubted and was angry he still loved me and never left me. i know we hear that all the time and it's easy to remember that and believe it when everything is going well in our lives, but when you feel as though you have fallen into the pit only to climb out and be thrust down again, it's hard to remember and believe those simple truths.

so, peace like a river? most days. still some rough waters today and further down the road. but i've got someone else guiding my boat down the calm, cool river.