peace like a river?

strange name for me to pick considering i don't always have a peace with circumstances in my life. is it possible to always have peace no matter the situation. i know the bible tells us that we should not worry and to not let our heart be troubled, but what is the solution when you do worry and your heart is troubled? is it possible to just fall at the feet of jesus and have him heal your heart? i think it is possible.

in the last few months i have learned a lot about heartache. i started a new job that i adored and unexpectedly was asked to step down. i was mad and angry for a few hours then realized that no amount of tears or anger was going to get my job back. so i have been taking some "paid time off" to reconsider my priorities, my life and my faith.

my faith was truly shaken in august when chris and i lost the child that i was carrying. there is no way to explain the pain or hurt you feel when you are so excited for this new life that you and the person you love have created and then that hope and joy is shattered. once your body starts attacking there is nothing you can do but watch and wait for the war to be over and lost. i was so mad at god, and i hated what he had done to me. i felt like pregnant women were stalking me and it seemed everytime i got in contact with someone i hadn't spoken to in awhile they always had news of some other person that we knew that was pregnant or had just had a baby. disheartening. disillusioned. distraught. i turned from god.

we pulled out of church because seeing baby dedications and going to our bible fellowship class where babies were popping out every week was too painful. then our new music minister called and asked if i would sing in church. the song "amazed" by the desperation band was the solo. my heart had started to heal and i thought it was time for me to rejoin my fellow believers so i consented. that sunday i began to sing the words "you dance over me while i am unaware. you sing all around but i never hear the sound. lord i'm amazed by you..." the words were so vivid to me that i could see jesus standing over me and rejoicing in my sorrow even when i was pushing him away and i became overcome with emotion. it was one of the most beautiful times of worship i had encountered.

even though i doubted and was angry he still loved me and never left me. i know we hear that all the time and it's easy to remember that and believe it when everything is going well in our lives, but when you feel as though you have fallen into the pit only to climb out and be thrust down again, it's hard to remember and believe those simple truths.

so, peace like a river? most days. still some rough waters today and further down the road. but i've got someone else guiding my boat down the calm, cool river.