4 words

grief: sharp sorrow; painful regret
hope: to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence
understanding: superior power of discernment
confusion: perplexity; bewilderment

it's 3 am and I am awake, plagued by an outpouring of emotions i don't fully comprehend. the above listed words are probably the four which have been most prevalent lately. grief for what was lost. hope for our future family. understanding of which I have none. confusion of which i have too much. you see these four words do not make life easy when they are constantly battling each other. especially in the context i am feeling them.

there have been other times in my life when these four emotions/words were making life difficult and unfortunately i dwelt on confusion, which spawned anger, frustration, and depression. perhaps my faith was not as strong. or i've grown up. whatever the reasoning, right now as i am sitting on the floor of the nursery for the child who is not yet here, i cling to hope and pray for understanding.

i choose to choose joy, hope, and understanding. i choose to trust Your will is perfect. i choose to believe that Your promises are true. and i choose to let go of the hurt in my heart and allow You to heal. You promise peace; i'll take it. You promise Your presence; i need it.