Sunday, March 28, 2010

discouraged but not defeated

do you ever have those weeks where it seems that all of your plans and expectations come crumbling down around you? and then just when you think you have everything sorted out another avalanche comes crashing down? yeah, that's where we've been.

in the past few weeks we have dealt with taxes, tickets, wrecks, car trouble, dental expenses, adoption fees, nursery organization and preparation and a lot of other personal matters. in a way i suppose i was asking for it. chris and i, and let me emphasize the i here, have not shied away from saying that we believe God is going to show up in a mighty way and provide the fees for our adoption; enter the aforementioned offenses.

i don't believe God brings annoying or troubling things upon us, but I do believe that like job, He allows us to walk through some challenging situations in order to grow our faith. you see, the funny thing about faith is it's really easy and convenient to have when things are great. we were flying through the process to become an approved family, we had our homestudy fee in a savings, we had a plan for how things were going to work and a certain timeframe as to when it would all happen, and you know what? God doesn't care. He absolutely does not care what my plans are because He has a better plan. (i would just like to be privy to it) this is where faith steps in, and i really wish that when He gave me this opportunity to have faith that i would have grabbed it and ran as opposed to sitting in the corner, nursing my wound and crying over the fact that things aren't going how i wanted them to go. really?

i truly desire to be a woman of faith that can move the mountains, but i really struggle with the opportunities that God hands to me. i can sit here and blame it on my insecurities or my insatiable need to feel in control or even my fear of the unknown, but when it comes down to it i just have keep my eyes on Him, crawl out of the boat and onto the water, ignoring my brain that is telling me i will drown, that it's impossible to walk on water and that the waves are crashing around and are liable to drown me.

"So don't worry about these things saying 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers but your Heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need." -Matthew 6: 31-33.

my needs and my wants are completely different. i need to seek the Kingdom and live righteously but i want to know the plan for our adoption journey. i need to back up my professions of faith in God in all areas of my life but i want Him to reveal things to me in my time. i need to take these opportunities to to let His light shine in every glorious situation, as opposed to continuously crying, "why".

we were told coming into the adoption that it's not easy and not just a wham, bam, thank you ma'am process but a faith journey and it is truly living up to that. in just about 2-3 weeks time our profile will go live and then we wait... some more. :) but i am encouraged that all of my fears and insecurities about the adoption are not falling on deaf ears. Jesus hears me and knows my heart. and he has given me an especially comforting verse over the last few weeks which i will leave you with. be blessed.

"now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." ephesians 3:20