open mouth, insert foot

ever had one of those situations where you said something and immediately wished you could put your foot, calf, kneecap and even thigh in your mouth? or have you ever asked an honest question and received a suprisingly awkward response from the person in question? well this post is one i am copying from an amazing family who has adopted transracially and has put together a sort of "adoption etiquette" list. hopefully this will save you from a humiliating moment, and from a less than polite response from a protective momma. :)

"Where did you get them?" I politely inform them of the agency we used and the city they were born in.

"Are they foster kids?" No, but even if they were that's not right to ask. If we had foster children, pointing that out only reminds the child of the situation with their first family. They need to feel loved and chosen, and not reminded all of the time they are only here for a little while. They aren't my adopted kids either...they are my children! They just happen to join our family through adoption. It's not a label, just a part of their story.

"Do they have the same parents?"- Yes, my husband and I are their parents. No, they do not all share biological parents. And why does that matter anyway? Questions about birth families are generally off limits. I will tell you what I want you to know. That is very private information and very intimate to my child. I want them to understand their story first before everyone else does. I could not say that enough...be very sensitive to the subject of birth families.

"Do you have any of your own?" - I really don't like this one. What makes a child more my own than these three? Please use the right words: biological children. And no, we don't have any of those, we chose not to. This wasn't our plan B.

"Do they call you mom?" No lie, I got this one yesterday. Lady...come on. Have you never known a child in an open adoption? Yes, I am their mom and they call me that. This one was almost laughable. But so many people have questions about open adoption. We often talk about how our kids have 2 moms that love them very much. We know less about their birth fathers, so we don't talk a ton about them except for in very quiet moments.

"How do they feel about open adoption?" First, we never say that "open adoption". They just know adoption and they know their story and it's very natural for them. They have no weirdness that adults put on kids about having relationships with their birth parents. That's all bunk in my opinion. That's adoptive parents making excuses for why they don't embrace birth families. Kids pick up on how parents feel about their birth parents. They will be weird about it if you are...and I seriously believe it will become an issue down the road. They will embrace it if you do, and your closeness with your child will deepen because you are loving and accepting ALL of who they are.But some of the worst things are not questions at all, but what people think are compliments.

These make me want to gag.

"They are so blessed to have you." Are you kidding? We are BEYOND blessed to have THEM!!! I mean, I think we are good parents, but every family is blessed to be together.

"You are doing the ultimate mission for God." NO! This is not a mission, these are my children. I didn't save them. Yuck. That's awful for a child to hear that someones sees them at "outreach" or a good deed. Please don't adopt children because you feel this way. Can you imagine what it must feel like for a child to be brought up feeling this from home?

"I just couldn't do it. I couldn't handle losing a child." Well, life is not about you. How come I have never heard someone say that of marriage? One in every 2 marriages fails, and yet no one says I just couldn't get married because chances are we'd be divorced. No one could walk into this wanting to lose a child, but it's well worth the risk. We are not super heroes, we are parents and we have to take that risk because it's a part of the journey. Don't act like we don't have feelings and intense bonding and deep love for every child placed with us. God carries us through, it's not by our own strength.

One of my sisters wanted to know what IS okay to say. She sees families like ours in public and wants to show her love and support. Yes, we have a need to talk to everyone in our family! Here are things I love hearing and we actually get a lot of these:

Your family is beautiful! Sorry but we just couldn't keep from staring.

Your family looks just like my family. I love seeing that!

Your children are gorgeous. They behave like angels too (just kidding, just wanted to see if you were still paying attention!)

Your kids are beautiful. We have always talked about adopting, do you mind if I ask questions?

Your family makes me smile.

just call me grace...

growing up i was notorious for injuring myself- walking into walls, twisting my ankles, falling down, tripping over my own feet, twisting my ankles.... you get the picture. i was so prone to injuiring myself that instead of my parents rushing towards me out of concern for my wellbeing they would sit there, try to hide a smile, and say, "grace" with a slight undertone of sarcasm. okay so perhaps the slight undertone is incorrect... it was very sarcastic.

i guess as i got older i was under the assumption that i would become more graceful with age. i definitely have put that fallacy to the side. in my first year of college i tripped up several stairs on several occassions at good ole' king college. that is also where i managed to fall into the mud and mire in the center of campus while i was walking in uber high boots. and did i mention that the sidewalks at kc are bricks that aren't exactly cemented into the ground.... i will let you mind wander to the many encounters my knees had with those bricks.

now i am 27 years old and have learned to watch where i walk and be more cautious in hazardous situations. i tend to be so cautious, in fact, that my dearly beloved tends to make fun of me because i look like an 80 year old meemaw. well i met my match the other day- a large puddle of water on tile. i am positive you can tell where this is heading.

i am finishing my break and decide i need to put my phone in my purse in my locker. so i mosey on over to my locker, place my phone in my bag, pivot to walk away and, oh wait, what is this? i am soaring through the air; am i dreaming? what happens when you dream you are falling and you actually hit the ground? i reach for the rolling chair which undoubtedly will steady my rapidly descending body (riiiight) land on my back and then i am surrounded by blackness. now there are lights above me swirling around so naturally i decide i should move. there's the blackness again. who is poking me? do they not realize that i am in extreme pain right now? why are they repetitively calling my name? oh there's the lights and the breakroom, and nola, and one of our board of directors. fantastic.

several hours later, several ct scans later, a huge pain med shot, anti-nauseau med and 2 prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and a pain med i am leaving the hospital. no longer will i assume that because i am 27 years old i am be able to keep my footing or basically just walk without falling down. most people would have noticed the water before they were soaking it all up with their clothes. obviously you don't need to be concerned about my sense of humor as it was not disrupted, but if you are thinking about it, do say a prayer for my back as she doesn't see the humor in this, still. all in all though, i am thankful that it was me and not one of the other girls at work that fell... of course i would be more thankful if i could get another one of those pain shots...

be blessed.