Sunday, February 1, 2009

that could never...will that ever?

the last few months have been a whirlwind of events both good and bad. things i doubted were real or possible have proven to be true and things i have anxiously awaited and dreamed of have started to happen.

let me start with the chest of joash, per my last post. it was by far the most emotional and freeing thing i have ever experienced. it was also the first time i have ever completely lost compusure in public. wailing, sobbing, heaving; i did it all in front of the entire service that night. but when i finally was able to let go of my sweet kya, i felt as though i had dropped the weight i had been carrying on my shoulders and heart for over a year.

i was able to go see my family in texas over christmas and it was probably one of my favorite times i have had with my family. we had such a fabulous time and it was so nice to just be with them.

when we came back chris got a raise and then shortly after that i had my review and also received a raise. we have become so thankful as of late that we have jobs. perhaps not the jobs that we ever envisioned ourselves having, but steady jobs. we have also been given the distinct privilege to be exceptionally thankful for our jobs as we see countless numbers of people coming in with unemployment and/or severance checks. there is not a day that goes by at our jobs that chris and i do not both praise and thank God that we have this manner of security.

chris is growing into such a man of God. i can remember many prayers pleading that God would use chris in a mighty way and that He would place people in chris' path to help build him up so he could be the leader of our family that he should be. and God has answered my prayers. chris has been just saturated with love and attention from so many Godly men at the gathering. as i write he is at church watching the game with a group of men and then is going to hear a message from gene. i am so blessed.

depression is something that i have felt is an extremely overdiagnosed disease and is used for a crutch for many people so i never thought i would be plagued with it, but it has happened. on friday i had an emotional breakdown and panic attack after struggling with this for over a month. i ended up at the hospital and given drugs in order to sedate me as i had been hysterically sobbing for almost two hours, with no relief in sight. without going into all the details it was one of the scariest times in my life as i honestly felt i was going out of my mind and going crazy. monday i have a doctor's appointment to do blood work and check my hormone levels. while i am not one to willingly take medicine i hope that there will be some type of drug to help get me back to myself again.

so to recap: i never thought depression was something that could affect me, but it has. i always dreamed and prayed God would grow chris to be a man of God and he is doing just that. i didn't anticipate that when chris and i worked for the same company that it would be at y12, but i am blessed and content. i have learned to cherish every moment i have with my family as i never know how long it will be until i see them again. and i never knew the freedom and joy i could have by letting go of a major hurt, but now i am full.

so now 2009 has proven itself to be a year of new beginnings and changes in my life. and on days when i feel i cannot make it or that it just becomes too much to handle i know that the lover of my soul is holding tightly to one hand, while the love of my life is holding the other.

be blessed.